If Loyal Divide make it as big as everyone says they are going to, and don’t readily tell their droves of fans that I was one of their earliest and most fervent male groupies, I’ll take back every nice thing I ever said about the unappreciative douches.  But if they do tell every little hipster girl that’s obsessed with them that Mike Raspatello is the guy to talk to about early Loyal Divide stories, I’ll stand by my words.  Now that that’s out of the way, how about some questions with Siddharth Chittajallu, Adam L. Johnson, Andrew “Thundarr” McCarthy,  Jonathan “Noto” Notowidigdo, and Christopher Sadek, five multi-instrumentalists that are playing their biggest shindig to date this evening at the Congress Theater in Chicago.

MDR: Are you going to dump your girlfriends if you get any more famous than you already are?  How long do you have to be dating a girl before that becomes a “dick move,” so to speak?

LD: That’s a dangerous question… but of course we would. We estimate greater than or equal to 3.5 years is considered “dick territory”.

MDR: I would have said two years, but I’m p-whipped. Do you ever consider doing music full time?  Would if have to be a commitment from everyone?

LD: That is our ultimate goal and we are all working our hardest to achieve it.

MDR: Great detailed answer, way to cut to the core. How often do you have to pretend to like the music of a band you’re sharing the bill with?

LD: Some of the time.  But there’s usually something to like with every group.  When there’s nothing to like, that in itself, is uniquely entertaining.

MDR: Why are you all of a sudden too good for Talking Heads covers?

LD: We are not too good for Talking Heads covers. They are too good for us.

MDR: When someone in the crowd says “that song must be a cover, no band this unheard of could have a song that great,” how does it make you feel?  (this actually happened when a guy I brought to your show heard “Backes” for the first time)

LD: We think that shit’s real cool.

MDR: How much would you pay Brian Eno to produce your album?  What would you “do” that is absolutely heinous for that opportunity?

LD: It depends upon which Brian Eno you are referencing…the Brian Eno of Remain in Light? Or the Brian Eno of Viva la Vida?  For the services of the former, each member would mutilate themselves. For the services of the latter, we’d neuter (drummer) Thundarr.

MDR: What’s your least favorite Loyal Divide song that your fans still seem to like?

LD: Tulip

MDR:  Yeah, that song’s terrible.  JK!!! What do you hate most about being in a band?

LD: Being Poor

MDR: OMG! That’s what i hate about my job too! Do you think girls would like you as much if you guys weren’t in a band?

LD: We suspect that being in a band is beginning to lose its sex appeal.  Either that or we’re that fucking hideous.

MDR: Tell me a good story…

LD: On the last leg of our drive home from SXSW, we created a massive list of movie-themed porn titles (Vanilla Thigh, Plump Friction, Mask Her and Command Her, Sperm Gully, Flames Bond…and so on*).  It was impressive, so much so that the list, rather than our music, will probably end up as Loyal Divide’s legacy.  In the near future, we hope to make a series of artistic renderings of each title and feature them on our website.

* Full List for your viewing pleasure: Clitty Flickers, Lemmeny Snicknuts and a series of unfortunate gangbangs, The Three Muskaqueers, Homo Alone, Sperm Gully, Vanilla Thigh, Plump Friction (Plus-size Porn), Jurassic Pork, Star Whores: Episode V(ag) – The Empire Spanks Ass, Men in Back, Mask her and Command her, The Furious Face of Benjamin Humping, Flames Bond: Stinkfinger, Flames Bond: Pocket Pussy, Hairy Twatter and the chamber of tweaked nips, Hairy Twatter and the sorcerer’s bone, The Fantastic Whore, Bareback Mount-him, Schnindler’s Dick, Mr. Holland’s Anus

MDR: Did you have pets growing up, and how did that shape you as men?

LD: We all had dogs growing up and we named our last album . We like pets.

MDR: If you make it huge, who will be the first person you’d thank, and who is going to be most pissed that they aren’t that first person you thank?

LD: We would most definitely thank our parents for their support. Maxim Bohichik would definitely be the most pissed.

MDR: Pissed at his parents for naming him Maxim, or pissed at you?  Some would say that a Radiohead comparison is natural when hearing your live set.  Does that piss you off?  Does it piss you off if someone says you’ve “gone all Kid A on your second EP?”

LD: Radiohead has been very influential to everyone in the group…I suppose we’re not as skilled as some bands at hiding our Radiohead adoration.  I think that Radiohead has unfortunately become a taboo influence, partly because they’re still active, and partly because they’re influence is so widespread, and thus not occult enough to warrant hipster respect.  I imagine that more image-conscious bands pull their hair out scheming of ways to not sound like Radiohead. We’ve simply accepted the influence, and try to tastefully incorporate it, practically inviting hipster indifference upon ourselves.

MDR: Inciteful and introspective all of a sudden?  Nice of you guys to show up. Who do you drop to your knees for like a true groupie?

Noto – Molly Malibu Siegel of Ponytail
Chris – Prince or the drummer for the Whip
Adam – Bear Grylls
Sid – Michelle Obama
Thundarr - Oprah

MDR: What band comparison has been the worst for you to deal with?

LD: Not sure.  We like all the bands we’re compared to.

MDR: Lamest answer of the entire interview. Who are you going to see this summer?

LD: Is Prince playing this summer? Oh yeah Noto really wants to see Royksopp too.

MDR: What is the one most influential live music experience of your entire life? How high were you?

Sid C: Arcade Fire, Funeral Tour – Southgate House in Newport, KY. Not low.
Adam: Flaming Lips, Soft Bulletin tour. Age 16 and stone cold sober.
Thundarr: Queens of the Stone Age in 2005. Was more drunk than anything.
Noto:  Modest Mouse, Moon and Antarctica Tour. Terminal Blazeness.
Chris: Was at show with Sid. Yup.

MDR: Name the best 5 cover songs of all time?

LD: 1. Dusty Springfield- Son of a Preacher Man 2. Johnny Cash- Hurt 3. Talking Heads- Take Me to the River 4. Fiona Apple- Across the Universe 5. Yo La Tengo- Tears are in Your Eyes

MDR: Pretty sure that last one isn’t a cover.  But we’ll move on.  What are your day jobs?

Sid:  Work with Grants
Adam: Manages Sushi Restaurant
Thundarr: Manages Hot Asian buns
Noto: Works with Hot Asian buns / Fondue Facilitator
Chris: Pimps small businesses

MDR: Who is the seediest backstage?

LD: Band manager Michael “Bar-Blaze-Face” Barboza

MDR: You heard it here first.  A nickname only a mother could love.  Now go listen to their music: http://www.myspace.com/loyaldivide