I am writing this letter to demand that you cease and desist all activity that could be construed as defamation of image of every other metropolis on planet Earth.

Your residents dedicate one of the highest number of hours per year to merrymaking, proclaim Wednesday the start of a weekend that shamelessly continues until Sunday, and have exceeded their allowance of pure, unbridled debauchery by a rate of at least 100 hours per week. Furthermore your music venues, boutiques, art galleries and illicit event spaces have trafficked the world’s most talented visionaries to you city. In addition, these conspiracy centers exercised a gross abuse of their ability to draw and attract a diverse, aesthetically pleasing and amiable clientèle, while unabashedly failing to meet their pretentiousness quota.

This is a violation of the copyrights owned by the 90s. Therefore, you are hereby ordered to discontinue your non-stop offerings of superlative music, art, design, and dancing, in accordance with the Developed World Metropolis with Low Crime Rates Cool Factor Agreement. Section 59, Paragraph 18.

It has also come to my attention that two of your instigators, Paul Snowden (founder, Wasted German Youth) and Liz McGrath (international woman about town) are releasing a publication under the incendiary name BANGBANGBERLIN.

Berlin instigators Paul Snowden and Liz McGrath.The aforementioned quarterly “fanzine dedicated to the people who make [Berlin] the turbulent affair it is for all residents and guests” will be in stores internationally starting mid-December and will undoubtedly cause further defamation of image of every other metropolis on planet Earth at an exponential rate.

Be warned, that if action is not taken before the first issue of BANGBANGBERLIN is sold, I will file suit against you and your conspirators to seek any and all legal remedies afforded to me by law.

Regards,
waxyjax, aspiring member of the If-You-Can’t-Beat-Em-Join-Em Club